OK, Now...Just Control Yourself...

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I have a new friend I'm making the acquaintance of. We have similar backgrounds and even have mutual friends from my California days. We enjoy each others' company when we have the chance to get together and it's a very comfortable thing right now.

What I'm enjoying is that we aren't trying to define what it is we're doing. There's really been no need to. Some people have a need to define a thing, build in expectations and rules and feel like they're in control of it. It's been my experience that there's comfort in doing it that way, but in the end, that which I try to control ends up controlling me. She seems to understand this, too.

Concurrently, I'm taking an evening class these days, the subject is being in control of your money. Well, not YOUR money, but mine. Money has an energy to it, and as such, it's always moving, always doing something. It creates a current in our lives. That's why they call it "currency".

I've thought I've done a pretty good job of it; get paid, write checks for bills on time, plan accordingly. There's always been gas in the tank and money in the checking account.

Since starting this class, I've come to realize that my money's been controlling me, not the other way around. The emphasis has been on making sure my creditors get paid on time, even to the exclusion of taking care of the necessities like food and shelter. I've put them above me. It's the way it's supposed to be, right?

Until recently, I've been playing defense, not offence, in my life. As the truth becomes known, I've not been getting angry at myself. Rather, I'm cutting myself some slack and redesigning the picture. Stepping up to the plate, I'm taking my swings.

My cosmology says that everything unfolds perfectly and happens in the perfect rhythm at the perfect time. There's nothing to do but enjoy the ride. There's a fallacy in that thinking. I've allowed life to control me, when I should have been the one in control.

Perhaps "control" is the wrong word: I've allowed life to direct me, when I should have been directing it.

I'm now learning how to tell my money where it needs to go. I've put myself first on the list of many creditors. Yes, I'm giving myself credit.

As I'm doing this, other areas of my life are shifting. I'm taking better care of myself and directing things to be the way I want them. The energy in my home is raising. My job is less a struggle and more relaxed. My business is growing. Obligations are becoming opportunities. All this time, I thought I was doing it right: Taking care of everyone else's needs before taking care of my own.

It's put me out of control.

Not anymore...
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Something Old, Something New...

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I am with you in your darkest moments

I revel in your despair

You try to avoid me but it is to no avail

I am always with you

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I look over your shoulder at every choice you make

I whisper almost imperceptibly at times

At other times, it takes nothing to get your attention

When things go well for you, I let my presence be known

And you welcome me like an old friend

As I bring to you false evidences appearing real

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I am no more real than you believe me to be

You say you don’t want me around

But then you open the door for me to come in.

Like an elephant in the middle of the room

I take up residence

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You shun me but we both know you can’t do without me

I pull you into the corners

And you think you’ve been pushed

It takes no effort at all

You have tried to live without me

And I’ve been quite impressed with your attempts

You have recognized me for what I am

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You have the power to overcome me

But you always turn weak

There is only one thing I can’t have you know

One truth about me that renders me helpless

Only one thing that will dispel me from your life;

I am merely a thought

I am Fear

Without me, how would you ever know Love?

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